Monday, 15 August 2016

Dear Diary: First Job Anxieties


At the grand old age of 21, I did it. I got my first job. To most of you, this probably seems like nothing out of the ordinary but to me, it's kind of a big deal.
Due to my poor mental health once I left school, I missed out on a lot. Whilst all my friends were out getting jobs, going to uni and generally having their life together and some sort of stability, I was inside worrying about the most normal daily tasks like having a phonecall. I just couldn't do it.

For obvious reasons, I won't be disclosing anything regarding my job or the company (unless you follow me on Snapchat, then you probs know). All you have to know is I have entered the world of retail, and I'm actually feeling pretty confident and happy about it.

Although I had no direct pressure, I could tell people were looking at me wondering why I don't have a job. As if it's the be all and end all of life, y'know? Of course, that didn't help my anxiety one bit. "Why don't you look for a job?" "So, what do you do all day?" "How do you earn money?" None. Of. Your. Business. 

Don't get me wrong, I have obviously applied for jobs in the past. I've even had plenty of interviews lined up for them, but the crippling anxiety was just too much. I used to spend the night before an interview quite literally sobbing in bed worrying about things that seem so stupid to everyone else, but to me they were a deal breaker. What if I have a panic attack on public transport? Is my outfit appropriate? What if I cry in my interview due to nerves? How do I react if they want me to interact with customers straight away? Yes, that was necessary for two interviews I had lined up. 

Up until now, my blog has been my job. I would never call myself a full time blogger as I don't make nowhere near enough to live comfortably off my blog's income, but it's what I spent all day everyday doing, hence why my stats grew pretty quickly. Once I got back from my holiday, it was like I had a whole new outlook on life. I wanted to get a job, I wanted to have some sort of responsibility and bloody hell, I am so proud of myself.

I may only be working short weekend shifts, but that's all I want for now. It's taken me a while to reach adulthood but it's my turn to get my life together and feel like a normal member of society. I am slowly but surely making small steps in my recovery and although I will always have bad days - I'm a stronger person now.

If any of you ever feel in this position, please message me because I sure as heck wish I had someone my age who understood whilst I was going through this.

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22 comments

  1. Yay that's great, I'm so happy for you! For me I've found it's so much better to make lots of small steps instead of trying a huge leap and falling over instead. :) Hope your job days go swimmingly! xx

    http://isthateloise.blogspot.co.uk

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  2. I'm so pleased for you that you've reached the point where you feel able to work, it's definitely something to feel proud of yourself for! It's so annoying when people think that a job is the be all and end all of everything, everyone has their reasoning for going about jobs they way they do. Good luck for your first shift

    Emily x | emilyclairewrites.com

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    1. It actually is so annoying, I never understand why people think it's their business how I earned money but hey-ho... That's life! Thanks lovely. :) x

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  3. Anxiety is the absolute worst! I hate the way it leaves you worrying & imagining even the smallest of things going awfully wrong.. thanks brain! I think having the weekend job in retail will do you the world of good.. as you said, small steps! :) Good luck!x

    Small&Blonde♥

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    1. It really is the worst. Nobody ever seemed to understand WHY I got so upset/annoyed at myself regarding jobs, I just couldn't do it. Thank you! x

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  4. Well done. Im so pleased for you. Im 20 and Ive never had a job because of my mental and physical health. No one important pressures or nags me into a job I just put a lot of pressure on myself and I really shouldnt. Its all about taking small steps like you said. Good luck!! x

    www.beautylifebecca.blogspot.co.uk

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    1. Thank you so much, I don't think you realise how reassuring that is for me to hear! I thought I was the only one who had gone my whole life without working lol. But again, thanks for your lovely comment. x

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  5. Congratulations on the job! I hope that with time you will feel less anxious (at least about work) and remember that it's okay to have a bad day at work and don't put too much pressure on 'keeping it together' all the time. Good luck and have fun xxx

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    1. Aw thank you. I hope so too, and you're absolutely right. I'm feeling good about this job and as the shifts are only short, if I happen to be having a bad day I know I'll be able to go home soon! x

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  6. I think that 21 it's a pretty good age to get a job!So proud of you that ignore anxiety and all those struggles!
    People can be really annoying sometimes!I worked for 5 years,since i was 20,a full time job and during m first week that i was out everyone made me the same questions that you describe...I was just laughing!

    Again,so proud of you!You are doing amazing both with your job and the blog!I couldn't believe it when you told on twitter that you blogging only for a year!

    xo Aphrodite ~ BubblyBeauty

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  7. First of all, huge congratulations on getting your first job. I suffer severely with anxiety too so what may seem like nothing to others, I know is absolutely a big deal to people like us! I absolutely relate to the interview anxieties. Interviews are one of the worst triggers for mine. Of course they were never as bad when I actually got to them, but the fear and worry I felt before them was so crippling it actually made me physically ill. Good luck in your new job lovely! xx

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  8. I can so definitely relate to this! Anxiety held me back from doing so many things especially getting a job for ages! I'm now juggling two part time jobs and thinking of going back to university. Just shows that you can work hard and conquer it - I do still have my days though and I think I will always have those thoughts but I'm managing. Good on you anyway! Big pat on the back xxx

    Littleowlloves.blogspot.com ✌

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  9. Congratulation on your first job, what an amazing accomplishments! The best thing about one's life is that you can do you, because in the end it's all about what makes you happy and what you feel comfortable doing and when! Feel proud about any accomplishment in your life, that's the best way to see things :) xx

    www.iridescentplaces.com

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  10. Congratulations on your job! I remember hearing about it on Snapchat!
    Anxiety can be difficult to deal with.
    My sister went through something similar for years, and my brother is still going through it. I was years ago, but I was able to over come myself. It take time, and many tears, but you will be for the better.
    Angie | Chocolate & Lipstick | Beauty, Fashion & Lifestyle Blog

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  11. Wow Kat, this is super inspirational on a whole new level.

    I can relate to this so much, I'm 20 and I look at my life like "woah, I'm 20 and I've never had a job" and although it's awful, it's kind of comforting to know that I'm not the only one going through this and I thank you so much for being brave and opening up about it, thank you for helping me not feel so alone.

    I'm proud of you Kat, I really am!

    Love Jem x

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  12. Congrats! Welcome to retail life and annoying customers ;)
    Haha! I know you've just had your inductions and stuff, so hope you're enjoying it!

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  13. You go girl! I am super duper proud of you, I know you can do this! xxx

    Jasmine || http://www.blogsallbeautyy.blogspot.co.uk

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  14. Massive congratulations Kat! I hope that you really enjoy your new job and it helps you continue to grow your career in the future. Also I think it's great you've written candidly about it, as I'm sure you're not alone in feeling this way.

    fourcatsplusus.co.uk | Amy x

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  15. First off, MASSIVE congrats on getting a job, sweetie!! And not because you got it and it's a bit of an extra income but because you are boosting your mental health and showing it who's the boss (and that is you, obvi) :)
    Secondly, a job doesn't define a person. At the end of the day, a job is a job. If a person doesn't work it doesn't mean they are a failure or "something is wrong with them". That's such an unfair treatment.
    And finally, you are going to smash it!! I believe in you, sweetie <3
    xox Nadia
    www.mielandmint.com

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  16. I honestly cannot relate to some of the things you mentioned in this post any more if I tried. I did a short stint in hospitality as a waitress last year and spent every moment of my week worrying about having to go back to the place I worked. I'm only seventeen but since working there, working as a whole has been something I have major anxiety around. I still can't figure out why, but I suppose having this anxiety is what pushed me towards blogging. I totally understand what you mean about people saying things like 'But you should just go and get a job, it isn't that difficult..' It might not be for the person telling you that, but for us it certainly is difficult and it really doesn't help with anxiety. Thank you for sharing your story and congratulations on getting a job in retail! Go kick anxiety's ass! Hopefully one day soon I can be in the same position!

    Love Issy from www.five-foot-seven.blogspot.co.uk

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  17. Girlllll I am so so proud that you have a job ! You can smash it and kick your mental health's butt because you are in charge! It's nobody's business whether you have a job or not .. It's your own personal journey that nobody else has a say in. Loved this post girly :)
    Saira
    www.throughtheglitterglass.wordpress.com
    Xxx

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